Judith Holder

Grumpy Old Women

Welcome on board - holidays the Grumpy way! As every Grumpy Old Man and Woman knows, holidays are another way of keeping you all house-trained. They are civilised society's reminder to you that the tedium of everyday life is actually preferable to a fortnight spent in the company of nagging partners, other people's brats, bombastic in-laws; and - worse still - people who can't speak English. As soon as you check in at the airport you are marooned in a sea of screaming babies, dull-faced reps and bland airport food. Count yourself lucky if your optimistic expectation of a good holiday is even remotely fulfilled. Don't be fooled by the glamorous air-brushed photos of American models with tippexed teeth sitting by laguna pools, cocktail in hand. There may be beautiful sunsets by the beach in the brochure, but you'll inevitably find that a) you should have booked the neighbouring hotel (and if you're lucky she'll tell you so, 'ad nauseam') b) you picked the rainy/religious holiday/mosquito/plague infestation season - and wonder why it was so cheap and c) you'll have had too much sex or food by the third or fourth day and be bored of each other, but there's no-one else to talk to, apart from monosyllabic waiting staff and the ubiquitous Russians. A holiday is supposed to be a lovely break, isn't it? This book proves that it is the stay-at-homes who have all the fun.

The Official Handbook

Grumpy Old Holidays

As every Grumpy Old Man and Woman knows, holidays are another way of keeping you all house-trained. They are civilised society's reminder to you that the tedium of everyday life is actually preferable to a fortnight spent in the company of nagging partners, other people's brats, bombastic in-laws; and - worse still - people who can't speak English. As soon as you check in at the airport you are marooned in a sea of screaming babies, dull-faced reps and bland airport food. Count yourself lucky if your optimistic expectation of a good holiday is even remotely fulfilled. Don't be fooled by the glamorous air-brushed photos of American models with tippexed teeth sitting by laguna pools, cocktail in hand. There may be beautiful sunsets by the beach in the brochure, but you'll inevitably find that a) you should have booked the neighbouring hotel (and if you're lucky she'll tell you so, 'ad nauseam') b) you picked the rainy/religious holiday/mosquito/plague infestation season - and wonder why it was so cheap and c) you'll have had too much sex or food by the third or fourth day and be bored of each other, but there's no-one else to talk to, apart from monosyllabic waiting staff and the ubiquitous Russians. A holiday is supposed to be a lovely break, isn't it? This book proves that it is the stay-at-homes who have all the fun.

Jenny Eclair

From that first date - and how it's all downhill from there We all know about the jungle of 'dating'. But once you've found your 'special' friend you'll have to pretend you like their taste in music, be nice to their mother and pick up their socks, and that's only year one. By the time you get into grumpy old middle-aged land, you're firmly on farting terms and over-familiarity has bedded in. The only thing to do with the whole business is to laugh over it, which is the idea of this book.

Men are from Mars. Women have just got back from Tesco¿s

Grumpy Old Couples

North of Watford (and west of Reading, for that matter) there exists a part of the country that rarely gets a look-in from our London-centric national media. Three-quarters of the country, in fact. And yet its London, London, London all they ever hear is London! Well, London and the South. The royals, the Olympic bid, film premieres, overcrowding at Heathrow, union problems on the Underground, something provocative at the Tate Modern, Congestion Charging, and Bridget bloody Jones. Surely theres a balance to be redressed here? A light-hearted and humorous look at what its really like outside the M25, Its (not) Grim Up North will be an education of sorts, divided into sections easy for Southerners to digest- Food, Weather, Culture and Money. Did you know its warmer in the Tyne Valley than in the Thames Valley? No? Typical! The author, like rest the series contributors, is from the North, and shes got a thing or two to say about life in the Provinces.

It's Not Grim Up North

From the creators of Grumpy Old Women comes a hilarious, irreverent and beautifully designed ode to the joys, angers, desires and embarrassments of middle-aged women.

The Bumper Book of Fun for Women of a Certain Age

Wendy

We all know what it means these days to be a grumpy old man, because part of that role is to be outspoken. Well, we've heard just about enough out of the men, thank you very much! Grumpy Old Women gives us the other perspective: the female take on the million irritations of today's world. So whats the difference? Surely what is irritating to the mature members of one sex is equally annoying to the other? Not necessarily, and this is precisely what Grumpy Old Women seeks to address. Body image, visitors, children, animals, shopping, careers, parties, holidays and, yes, grumpy old men themselves all are very much on the list of what today's mature woman finds a source of concern. From the series producer and stand-up comic Judith Holder, the book incorporates material from the television series Grumpy Old Women, which features a diverse, colourful and very grumpy group of celebrities, including Janet Street Porter, Jenny Eclair, Ann Widdecombe, Germaine Greer, Kathryn Flett and Jilly Cooper. Written with wit, style and sympathy, the book is a source of both amusement and comfort to women everywhere - grumpy, old or otherwise.

The highly successful Grumpy Old Woman returns - and this time she's even grumpier! 'It feels like only yesterday I was the youngest person in the room, I had my whole life in front of me. I had time to burn, I spent my whole day snogging boys and backcombing my hair. I was a young thing, with a lovely body, life was fun, and I hadn't a care in the world. Now - it feels like two minutes later - I'm a little bit old. OK, I'm not in elasticated stockings or on Meals on Wheels whizzing down the stairs on my stairlift, but my life is more than half over. I've been there, done that, got the packamac. I'm so old that I remember dances with drum solos, the arrival of unisex hairdressers and had a crush on Ilya Kuryakin. I am up at the top of the hill, and over the other side again. What all this means, is that I am grumpy. But I've earnt it... I lived through Boney M and leg warmers and the Crossroads Motel. Obviously in a book this size I wouldn't be able to share with you ALL of my grumps. But I've decided to write down some of the secret thoughts that beset a woman of a certain age, some of the wicked things that occur to a woman who takes a lot of things to the dry cleaners, has to have her roots done every four weeks and finds it hard to wear high heels. And guess what: they still fancy people, still have silly little crushes on people at work, still - shock horror - have sex. You will discover that women of a certain age are just as provocative and turned on as women in their twenties. Probably more so. So get over it. Middle-aged women are sexy, funny and infinitely lovable. They are also taking over the world.'

Judith Holder

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