Name: Acts of Desperation
ISBN: 9780316429856

Megan Nolan

The female narrator falls completely into the power of a male writer. When he suddenly rejects her, she resolves to hang on to him and his love at all costs...even if it destroys her.

Acts of Desperation

raia – inactive

I could not be alone happily, and because I knew this was a sign of weakness, I forced myself to endure it for as long as I could before breaking, although I sometimes thought I would go mad.

Being with other people was, to me, the feeling of being realised.

It was the feeling that misfortune, no matter how great, would eventually serve to lead each of us to our own particular and inevitable conclusion.

I love myself in love. I find my feelings fascinating and human, for once can sympathise with my own actions.

The act of unwanted sex was not what angered me most, but rather the tedious reminder that men can often do whatever they want and that some of them will.

I knew it was childish, behaving this way, but it was painful to be reminded so casually that everything I cared about was subject to the whims of others.

And so in moments like this one when I was unexpectedly confronted by my own need, my reaction was to deny – to hysterically deny – that it existed. 

How impoverished my internal life had become, the scrabbling for a token of love from somebody who didn’t want to offer it.

The loss of someone you love can make you go mad in the best of circumstances. I did not just love Ciaran but loved him darkly, wrongly. Losing someone you love in those ways can turn you not only mad but wicked too.

Was I feeling something true from within myself, or was I living out a fantasy I had assembled?

The pain was still going on, but it was no longer happening to me, it was happening to a statue.

Maybe I had even chosen him because of it, because he so resisted loving me.

But it wouldn’t have mattered in the end.

Whatever he offered me would never have sufficed. I had chosen someone who was by nature indifferent, and made it my project to make him love me.

He did not love me – couldn’t, for what Me was there to love? What Me had he ever known?

I hate my weakness, what I severed of myself and gave to him, but love it too, love it still. I do not take it back. I love the girl who did those things. I love the girl because I feel sorry for her, and understand her.

Essence

Once you've said no, a man wheedling feels unbearable. Even if he does it politely, or gently, it overrides the clearly expressed intention. It says: Your choice does not really matter. What I desire matters, and I don't want to feel bad for forcing you into it. So perhaps you ought to reconsider?

Wheedling is cowardly, and violent. When you change someone's no to yes by wheedling, you have stolen from them what does not belong to you.

bella <3

love was the great consolation, would set ablaze the fields of my life in one go, leaving nothing behind. i thought of it as the great leveller, as a force which would clean me and by its presence make me worthy of it. there was no religion in my life after early childhood, and a great faith in love was what i had cultivated instead. 

oh, don’t laugh at me for this, for being a woman who says this to you. i hear myself speak. 

one of the saddest things to feel is that nothing in the world is new, that you have exhausted all your interactions with it. when i feel that way i wake each day into the already-dusky afternoon with deep regret that nothing has happened overnight to change me. 

i was sad for him that he had had a child at all if it meant his happiness was tied to mine always. i was sad i wasn't able to learn to be happier, more regular and peaceful, because it meant he would never have that peace for himself, which he of all people deserved and had waited for.

Autumn 

Female suffering is cheap and is used cheaply by dishonest women who are looking only for attention 

Love was the final consolation, would set ablaze the fields of my life in one go, leaving nothing behind. I thought of it as a force which would clean me and by its presence make me worthy of it. There was no religion in my life after early childhood, and a great faith in love was what I had cultivated instead. Oh, don't laugh at me for this, for being a woman who says this to you. I hear myself speak. Even now, even after all that took place between us, I can still feel how moved I am by him. Ciaran was that downy, darkening blond of a baby just leaving its infancy. He was the most beautiful man I had ever seen. None of it mattered in the end; what he looked like, who he was, the things he would do to me. To make a beautiful man love and live with me had seemed - obviously, intuitively - the entire point of life. My need was greater than reality, stronger than the truth, more savage than either of us would eventually bear. How could it be true that a woman like me could need a man's love to feel like a person, to feel that I was worthy of life? And what would happen when I finally wore him down and took it?

Isabella

Feeling too much and then feeling even more. 

A story about the obsession of love and surrendering to it no matter how toxic the consequences can be. The protagonist of the story doesn’t tell the reader her name but her soul is bared to us almost instantly. 

Nolan’s characters try to live by the ambiguous rules of modern intimacy, but the desire to be loved can make even the most fictional people seem really relatable. 

But what happens when you stop feeling too much — and start feeling nothing at all?

Akriti

Feeling too much and then feeling even more. 

A story about the obsession of love and surrendering to it no matter how toxic the consequences can be. The protagonist of the story doesn’t tell the reader her name but her soul is bared to us almost instantly. 

Nolan’s characters try to live by the ambiguous rules of modern intimacy, but the desire to be loved can make even the most fictional people seem really relatable. 

But what happens when you stop feeling too much — and start feeling nothing at all?

Relatable:( another traumatized girlie gone rogue

Interested in reading more from this author 

Lila Nagy 

Relatable:( another traumatized girlie gone rogue

Interested in reading more from this author 

I found this a tough read. I think the story is important to read, relatable in so many ways for so many women; the nuances and subtleties of male/female power dynamics and what it means to be seen. And while a page turner, I didn’t really enjoy it, there wasn’t any beauty, though I think that’s the point? I don’t know. 

Laura Gill

mehrsa

The writing is captivating, and the exploration of love and obsession is raw and real. However, it’s a heavy read that can be triggering, dealing with themes like emotional manipulation and self-doubt. While it’s powerful and thought-provoking, be prepared for a story that delves into the darker sides of relationships. Definitely read the trigger warnings.

Luna 🌙

Mira <3

if i could fuck a book it would be this one

armoni mayes

I do not even know if i will be able to put into words how outstanding this novel was. It almost reads like a memoir because the experiences the MC goes through are relatable i am sure to many people that navigate this world as a woman/woman presenting. 
This is a story about two people that date & the experiences they share but it is also about the inner conflict the MC is dealing with whether that is about the relationship, her family, friends, and old lovers. 

Quotes that I am sure some of you will be able to relate to:

“I had suffered, and I had made the suffering into some thing I could consider good. I made it so that suffering was a kind of work.”

“What I am feeling is their [men] disregard for my reality. I am being made to wear whatever particular fantasy they wish to project.”

[context: sex with men] “ I hate them less afterwards, because I’ve made myself as pathetic as they are.” 

“It takes so much out of you to make yourself say no when you’ve been taught to say yes, to be accommodating, to make men happy.”


**major TW: rape**

Bria

i wasn’t aware i’d be getting a glimpse at some aspects of the worst relationship i’ve had when i picked this up! quite the ride!

Danniella

Kendall Lobdell

arwen

the writing in this book is so impactful, intense and thought-provoking. i felt deeply uncomfortable at times and i physically flinched while reading several scenes because of how realistic everything was.

Helena

** spoiler alert **
           “I’d thought that a man’s love would make me so full up I’d never need to drink or eat or cut or do anything at all to my body ever again. I’d thought they’d take it over for me.
But now here I was, right inside it, with nobody to say what happened next.”

i felt literally sick to my stomach at some points of this book, but i’m so glad i pushed through. it’s so well written and her mind… she basically put into words things i can barely make myself think about because it’s so damn painful.

lea.

kayla 

Kendall McClain

3.5
Marianne and Connell only entirely unlikable!

nicole

risa

“Even if my mother had never uttered a word about her body or mine, I think I would still feel this way when I come home, the same claustrophobic fury under that shared roof, the two of us so close together. I came from her, she made this body-thing I hate and love so much. I resent her for producing it; I’m mortified I have made such poor use of it. How dare you? I want to scream at her, on the one hand; I love you so much! I’m sorry, on the other.”

that paragraph got me. oh, it got me good.

this book was so engrossing and devastating 

this book was so engrossing and devastating 
it sadly, was very relatable too

am i the only one who liked this??? i could smell the trauma from a mile away—draining, but real

Krystyna 

This story is told in vignettes surrounding this woman's life. It's the story about her self-destruction basically. She's obsessed with a guy and desperate for his attention, but he remains mostly cold, aloof, and abusive. Still, she's desperate for his love and attention and acts upon that. It deals with her toxic and unhealthy relationship with him, but also her unhealthy relationships with other people in her life, with food, and with herself. This is a beautifully written debut. It's raw, brutally honest, heartbreaking, and has basically every trigger warning you can think of. There are so many quotable lines that I took note of though. 
Note: It contains heavy topics that may not be for every reader, so tread with caution before you pick this one up.

makenna!!! 

“I made mistakes like this all the time, seeking affirmation from the very worst people, so that what I must have been after deep down was confirmation of the fears instead of their dismissals.”

this novel captures the quintessence of human emotion in a darkly beautiful way, concurring the unfortunate; substantial power dynamic between men and women and the strain it’s possible of inflicting.

”I thought, not for the first time, that wheedling of the sort he had employed should be forbidden in men. It was already so near to impossible to say no to a man, so difficult to accept the possibility of being hurt or disliked or shouted at. It takes so much out of you to make yourself say no when you have taught yourself to say yes, to be accommodating, to make men happy.”

the vulnerably megan nolan discusses that follows our unnamed narrator as she navigates the darkest moments of her life and taking control of both her narrative and herself while also struggling with the stigmatizing reality of existing as a young woman in modern society is raw and honest.

”Once you’ve said no, a man wheedling feels unbearable. Even if he does it politely, or gently, it overrides the clearly expressed intention. It says: Your choice does not really matter. What I desire matters, and I don’t want to feel bad for forcing you into it. So perhaps you ought to reconsider?”

however, i recommend doing some thorough research on this novel before you consider reading. it unveils unsettling aspects that could inflict possible damage more than the intended outcome of feeling understood and seen.

overall, the story megan nolan tells is both striking and depressingly beautiful, diving into the uncomfortable truth and perspective of resulting to only seeing oneself as an object of desire and the complexity of impact. 

”Wheedling is cowardly and violent. When you change someone’s no to a yes by wheedling, you have stolen from them what does not belong to you.”

“but I was in love and so I was insane”