Name: Killer Crabs
ISBN: 9780451089540

Guy N. Smith

Killer Crabs

Michael Springer

Gigantic, evil crabs are on the loose. Bullets cannot penetrate their seemingly indestructible shells. They have very mean faces. They hack people to bits, leaving heads bobbing along the shore. They're hidden somewhere in the reef, and only fire can destroy them. They shall breed during the full moon, which is approaching fast! And they have very mean faces. I mean really mean.

Look at the cover of this book. If you chuckle, you should read it. If not, you're going to think it's the tackiest, most tasteless asswipe of a book you've ever come across. I thought it was marvelous! 

In so many ways, Smith sticks to classic monster movie tropes: fleeting glances of the giant crabs lurking below the water, gratuitous and constant sex, and some hair-brained way of killing the crabs that seems even more implausible when you see how they pull it off. In all of these aspects of the book, it could've been some masked Jason knockoff lurking in the background. But it wasn't. It was big crustaceans. 

Most of the time, books with cheesy titles like "Bride of the Bat Monster" are bound to disappoint because they are written by hacks who make things just too silly. But, Smith is a capable writer of horror, and these crabs are pretty creepy sometimes. Then, something ridiculous happens: the crabs attack in battle formations, or another sex scene happens (where the one female character is fucking one of the few men left in the story who she HASN'T fucked), or the doctor has a great corny one-liner. SOMETHING to shatter the momentary illusion that the author is really trying to build suspense. This straddling of the line between horror and total goofiness is what makes this book an exceptionally good time.

But, there is enough goofy in here to keep this entertaining all the way through its 150 pages: among the male characters, the ones least skilled in bed are clearly the badguys, while the fisherman who can fuck like a beast is the guy you're supposed to root for. The first time the only female character is described, Smith describes her breasts first, her genitalia second, and that's the end of his physical description of her. And, the crabs have really mean faces, and evil eyes. They aren't just crabs defending their reef, and they aren't being angered by a disease or anything: even the scientists are aware that THE CRABS ARE EVIL, and WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD, and MUST BE COMPLETELY DESTROYED. 

I thought this book was a whole lot of fun, and I plan on tracking down as many books in the series as I can. 

So, why the three star rating? Well, uh, it's called "Killer Crabs." And that's what it's about. It's not exactly "The Grapes of Wrath."