Name: Urban Allies
ISBN: 9780062391346

Joseph Nassise

Ten Brand-New Collaborative Stories

Urban Allies

Sarah Escorsa

Overall rating: 3.63333 stars. As of March 12, 2018 anyway. There is hope yet. Pretty sure the rating will go down as I read more stories in this collection and stuff.

Presenting...the Shaken, Not Stirred Crappy Non Review (SNTCNR™)! In which I shall crappily non-review the short stories in this collection in total disorder and complete randomness and stuff! Gotta keep you on your toes the pincers you don't have, my Little Barnacles! What? You didn't know you had toes? Of course you do! The fact that you are at the very bottom of the subaquatic food chain doesn't mean you are lacking in the digiti pedis department, you know. But I ever so slightly digress. Soooooo, let's spin the Disorderly Random Wheel of Reviewing Doom (DRWoRD™) and see what we get:



Ooops.



[March 12, 2018]

💣 Story: Crossed Wires by Stephen Blackmoore and Jeff Somers.
💣 Rating: 3.89999 stars. And a half.

My excuse for reading this one is that I am currently on the hunt for UF with male leads and recently added the Eric Carter series to my TBR and Eric Carter happens to be one of the MCs in this story, so QED and stuff.

Surprisingly enough, this story was also a winner, which makes 2 out of 3 so far. When the Crap Ratio (CR™) for anthologies/collections like this one is usually off the charts. Color me slightly flabbergasted and stuff.

So. Crossed Pincers Wires. I thought (view spoiler)[
  yes, it happens sometimes. Don't worry though, it's only but a rare occurrence
 (hide spoiler)] the way the authors brought their two worlds together was pretty cool and stuff: the two MCs, Eric and Lem, live in alternate worlds/dimensions but get to meet through some kind of intersection type thingie (yes, that is the technical term for it). And that, I have to say, was pretty cool. Did I already say that? Oh well, a little rehashing never hurt anybody, right? Right. Anyway, there's some kind of haunted house/ghost/spirit/whatever situation, and although I happen to think (view spoiler)[
  here I am using my two grey cells again. Damn.
 (hide spoiler)] ghosts are the most uninteresting, yawn-worthy things ever, I actually kinda sorta enjoyed this story here. Because dark & gritty stuff, yay! And refreshingly original magic stuff, yay²! Evil woman villain stuff, yay³! And Killing People for their Blood (KPftB™) stuff, yay⁴! 



You love it when I do my super Sexey Celebratory Dance (SCD™), don't you? I gotta admit, my moves are hot as fish.

Okay, so it's true that the story is more focused on Lem that it is on Eric. But I don't mind because 1/Eric is already waiting in line at the harem's entrance so I'll know more about him soon enough and 2/I got to find out lots of delicious stuff about Lem (a forever-broke blood magician/Trickster with a Hulk-type man/pet sidedick who's a little on the slow-witted side? Yum!), said delicious stuff kinda sorta prompting me to add the first instalment in the Ustari Cycle series to the TBR of Doom and Annihilation of All Life on the Planet (TBRoDaAoALotP™). Said instalment is called We Are Not Good People, by the way, and, as any nefarious subaquatic overlord will tell you, books about Not Good People (NGP™) can never be entirely crappy and stuff. 





[March 9, 2018]

💣 Story: Weaponized Hell by Larry Correia and Jonathan Maberry.
💣 Rating: 4 stars.

Okay, so after reading the slightly disappointing Schaefer/Savile contribution to this collection, I was ready to feed the book to the crustaceans as punishment for their most regrettable behavior in the Andaman Sea last week (don't ask). But then I read Monster Hunter International. And slightly liked it. And then I remembered there was a Larry Correia story in this collection. And then it occurred to me that I might maybe want to read it because it might maybe not be entirely crappy. And here we are and stuff.

Sooooo, this story kinda sorta awesome. A little. It features an aggravating bastard a most intriguing character from Correia's MHI series, Special Agent Franks, and a Deliciously Anti-Hero Military Type with Gloriously Wondrous Harem Potential (DAHMTwGWHP™) from Maberry's Joe Ledger series, Joe Ledger (view spoiler)[duh (hide spoiler)].

Why is this story kinda sorta awesome you ask? Because testosterone-filled ride! And refreshing Iraq setting! And kickass fights! And bloody shrimping man-eating demons! And non-stop action-packed action! And most delicious cursing galore! And close combat! And military stuff! And sarcasm! And ISIS and ISIL and stuff! And blood and gore, yay! And boom boom boom! 

To summarize, the story goes a little like this:



Like this:



And a little like this, too:



Okay, not really, but you get the idea. You don't? Sigh. Just imagine this at super high extra speed, with deadly weapon-wielding badasses and demons and terrorists and stuff, in the middle of the Iraqi desert. See? It wasn't that difficult, was it?

Anyhoo, this story is slightly cool and entertaining and engrossing and stuff, and I wouldn't mind seeing these two manly men pairing up for another Let's Kick the Fish Out of Demons Adventure (LKtFOfDA™). Oh, and before I forget, the reason this story worked much better than the somewhat fairly disappointing Schaefer/Savile one? The alternate POVs. Two very different voices and perspectives that complement each other perfectly, and both add a lot to the narrative. Good job, gentlemen authors you, you get the Shrimpy Seal Cheer of Approval (SSCoAaS™) and stuff.



Yes, I am aware that this is not a shrimp. Who do you take me for, an amateur or something?! *eyepincerroll*

P.S. Off to add potential harem slave boarder #24586, aka Joe Ledger, to my TBR. Please be so kind as to pre-emptively back-off and stuff. You're welcome.
P.P.S. There is some slightly spoilerish stuff about Special Agent Franks in this story. But I'm still alive to talk about it, so I'm fairly sure there's a slight chance you Little Barnacles will overcome this most unfortunate predicament, too. Then again maybe not. 



[January 15, 2018]

💣 Story: Sweet, Blissful Disappointment Certainty by Craig Schaefer and Steven Savile.
💣 Rating: 3 stars. Because I'm in a good mood and stuff.

There are ten short stories in this collection. I've only read this one so far. Because: 1/I'm revoltingly picky like that and 2/I can.

Okay, so the idea of reading a brand new story about my boyfriend Daniel Faust had me feeling a little like this:



As you can see, my excitement was at an all-time low when I embarked upon this most unstimulating read.

Okay, being the silly little shrimp that I am, I hadn't given much thought to the fact that The Slightly Awesome Mr Schaefer (TSAMS™) hadn't written this story all by his glorious little self. I mean, it's not like there was the word "collaborative" on the book cover or anything. Anyway, it turns out that TSAMS™ wrote this short with the above mentioned ⤴ Mr. Savile. Who, I am sure, is a most delightful gentleman ← which loosely translates to mean: Mr Savile, I have no fishing idea who you are or where the bloody fish you came from. Not the Marianas Trench, that's for sure.

Okay, being the easily distracted little shrimp that I am, I didn't even notice the title for this short story (being within a 100,000 mile-radius of my Daniel Faust will do that to my scatterbrained exoskeleton). I mean, Sweet, Blissful Certainty. "Sweet?" "Blissful?" Are you fishing kidding me?! Why not add "cute and cuddly" while you're at it? Damn, I think I got diabetes just reading the title and stuff. Using such disgustingly pleasant words to describe one of my boyfriend's adventures should be outlawed or something. 



See? Even sophisticated grey-haired ladies more ancient than I agree with me on that one. Ha.

My point is (because, yes, there is a point to the previous paragraphs that, by the way, might or might not be longer than the short story they are about, much like this sentence and stuff): had I not let my Daniel Faust-induced hysteria take over paid more attention, I might have foreseen this wasn't going to be one of those Slightly Immature Fangirling Worthy Schaeferistic 10+ Star Reads (SIFWS10+SR™). But I did, so I didn't. Yay.

Because yes, the depressing truth is that *shudders pre-emptively* Sweet, Blissful Certainty *shudders again for good measure* is, quite heartbreakingly, Super Mega Meh (SMM™) and stuff and a little clichéd, too, with the whole "it's better not to know what the future holds" business ← I didn't write that and you never read it. Go home, you're drunk. My Daniel Faust most definitely kept his side of the bargain, since he is as lickably edible as ever here. His beloved daddy (and, by extension, my wondrous step father), Craig Schaefer, did a pretty good job, too. We've got seedy stuff, gritty stuff, lowlives, fished up moral compasses and the usual Faustian yumminess. But then the Cadmus Damiola business happened. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against early 20th century Brit illusionists, especially those who hold the cure for insomnia. Besides, Mr Damiola's being named after a serpent-slaying hero boded pretty well, and it seemed perfectly logical to assume that Poof Gone Harem Times (PGHT™) were in his immediate future. 



Right. My dear Cadmus. Next time my boyfriend summons you from the dead to have a little chat, do us all a favour and tell him to go to shrimp hell. Pretty sure you'll be glad you stayed in good old Britannia to play with your cucumber sandwiches. And so will I.

This story might have worked better if the two worlds it intended to bring together had blended well. But they didn't, so it didn't. Cadmus' character felt completely out of place in Danny Boy's world, and his personality just didn't work with Schaefer's dark, modern-day Vegas. What's worse, the story itself felt artificial, as if each author had written the piece about his character in his corner. There are passages about Cadmus' worlds and others about Daniel Faust's. It kinda sorta feels like you are reading two separate storylines side by side, instead of a single one. It kinda sorta feels like the only purpose of this short story is for each author to get more readers for their respective series. Which is kinda sorta understandable, but also kinda sorta slightly disappointing and stuff. 



This is me being slightly disappointed, yes. What can I say, self-restraint and utter composure are me.

» And the moral of this I Won't Read the Other Stories in this Anthology Because Things to Do Book Boyfriends to Kidnap and All That Crap Crappy Non Review (IWRtOSSitABTtDBBtKaATCCNR™) is: Danny boy, stop frolicking with silly ancient illusionists, it's ruining your street cred. Frolic with me instead.



[July 2016]

There's a brand new Danny Boy short story in this collection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Urban Allies Ten Brand-New Collaborative Stories

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