Name: Scary Close
ISBN: 9781400203970

Donald Miller

After decades of failed relationships and painful drama, Donald Miller decided he’d had enough. Impressing people wasn’t helping him connect with anyone. He’d built a life of public isolation, yet he dreamed of meaningful relationships. So at forty years old he made a scary decision: to be himself no matter what it cost. From the author of Blue Like Jazz comes a book about the risk involved in choosing to impress fewer people and connect with more, about the freedom that comes when we stop acting and start loving. It is a story about knocking down old walls to create a healthy mind, a strong family, and a satisfying career. And it all feels like a conversation with the best kind of friend: smart, funny, true, important. Scary Close is Donald Miller at his best.

Dropping the Act and Finding True Intimacy

Scary Close

Claudine

Some of my junk mail is obvious and easy to pul from the pile and get rid of without reading it, but a lot of it pretends to look like it's not junk. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. The same is true in our relationships. This book will help you sort the junk mail you've been bringing to your relationships. 

The thought of not acting pressed on me like a terror. Can we really trust people to love us just as we are? Nobody steps onto a stage and gets a standing ovation for being human. You have to sing or dance or something. I think that's the difference between being loved and making people clap, though. Love can't be earned, it can only be given. And it can only be exchanged by people who are completely true with each other.

Applause is a quick fix. And love is an acquired taste.

The reality is, what writers write and the way they live can be as different as a lump of coal and a diamond. The written life is shined to a deceptive gloss. 

Don says his life then had his ‘performance mode’ always on

Who else do you marry but the person who pulls you off the stage?

Betsy told me when we met that in order to connect she needed quantity time. By that she meant we'd have to spend countless hours together doing nothing for her to feel safe. She believed anybody could come and go with a song and dance, but only the committed would last the seasons.

I never realized how much I’d used my job as a social crutch until the crutch was taken away.

 He said people who didn't feel like they'd accomplished much felt insecure around those who had.. Bill said he wished we lived in a world where people couldn't say what they did at all. He said the World would be a healthier place if nobody were allowed to wear a costume.

The problem is this: those of us who are never satisfied With Our accomplishments secretly believe nobody will love us unless we're perfect. 

It's all connected with the belief human conditional. But human love is love isn't conditional. No love is conditional. If love is conditional, it's just Some sort of manipulation masquerading as love.

If I was going to make Betsy happy, I'd have to trust that my flaws were the ways through whichI would receive grace. We don't think of our flaws as the glue that binds us to the people we love, but they are. Grace only sticks to our imperfections. Those who can’t accept their imperfections can’t accept grace either.

Somewhere along the line I think many of us buy into a lie that we only matter if…

I'm talking about the fact I'd rather be alone or with a close friend than have to make Small talk at a party. It's exhausting to me and I feel like I'm acting in a play about life every time I have to do it.

It turns Out my internal self was doing pretty well. And then in the outside person I wrote show-off, desperate, anxious, funny, charming, tired, words that also surprised me. Turns out my outer self was feeling pretty stressed. No wonder I was more comfortable alone than I was with people.

… but the reward is integrity, and by that I mean a soul fully integrated, no difference between his act and his actual person. Having integrity is about being the same person on the inside that we are on the outside, and if we don't have integrity, life becomes exhausting. I wonder how many people get tempted by the gains they can make by playing a role, only to pay for those temptations in public isolation.

…but attraction isn’t intimacy. What attracts us doesn’t always connect us.

It’s one thing to impress people, but it’s another thing to love them.

It makes me wonder how many people have damaged their own lives by mistaking enablement for grace? 

…while everybody is invited, not everybody is willing.

…I realized I only got tired because I was trying to hide.

Apparently I finished this book already, seeing that I’ve had some highlights in my Kindle copy, but unfortunately nothing stuck, so here I am.

I love Don Miller’s way with words because he doesn’t force sounding smart/poetic and yet he does sound effortlessly smart/poetic at times, while being funny, too. I guess I expected more from this book because this felt more like 1 giant manifesto than a set of guidelines that are actionable. The only specific thing this book went into was the classification of manipulators, but that’s mostly it.

I guess all Don Miller really wanted to do was to prod you to do something about your pride and shame (which, from what I personally take away, can be mixed up) and be aware of how you connect or don’t. If you’re the type who needs prompts for personal reflection (which can be notes for when you go to therapy), this can be a good starting point.

Also this has to be my most highlighted book on Literal so far, and my clippings will serve as a TL;DR of sorts for when time comes that I forget I’ve read this book hehe

Apparently I finished this book already, seeing that I’ve had some highlights in my Kindle copy, but unfortunately nothing stuck, so here I am.

I love Don Miller’s way with words because he doesn’t force sounding smart/poetic and yet he does sound effortlessly smart/poetic at times, while being funny, too. I guess I expected more from this book because this felt more like 1 giant manifesto than a set of guidelines that are actionable. The only specific thing this book went into was the classification of manipulators, but that’s mostly it.

I guess all Don Miller really wanted to do was to prod you to do something about your pride and shame (which, from what I personally take away, can be mixed up) and be aware of how you connect or don’t. If you’re the type who needs prompts for personal reflection (which can be notes for when you go to therapy), this can be a good starting point.

Also this has to be my most highlighted book on Literal so far, and my clippings will serve as a TL;DR of sorts for when time comes that I forget I’ve read this book hehe

Sarah Vaughan

I love Don Miller's writing. It's straightforward and to the point while also putting things into perspective in a beautiful way. His anecdotes are not self-aggrandizing or irrelevant. His faith has led him to be more humble and open-minded, which is refreshing. 

This particular book was part memoir, part self-help, and part religious/spiritual work on the importance of being authentic. If we aren't authentic, then no one ever really gets to know who we are. If we don't give our whole selves to our most important relationships, including our relationship with God, because we are scared they will hurt us, then we most likely will get hurt because of our reluctance to allow people/God to love us. 

If you're a Christian, I highly recommend reading Don's work, including this one, for his spiritual perspective on relationships in light of Christ and what we are called to do on earth. If you are not a Christian, you will still enjoy this book. Don is not judgmental, he is not arrogant, and he doesn't think he has all the answers. In fact, he admits that he doesn't have all the answers. He is vulnerable and open about his mistakes and his failures, and this is a beautiful work on the relevance, effects, and importance of community and love.

Les Reynolds

Offered some really good insight. Felt like it dropped the good stuff early and then petered out a bit.

Grady Scott Weston

I've been a big fan of Don Miller's work for several years now. In my opinion, he hits a great balance in this work between being authentic and transparent with the reader and using that authenticity to connect with the reader through telling his own story. Highly recommended!

Scary Close Dropping the Act and Finding True Intimacy