Name: The Woman They Wanted
ISBN: 9781506483160

Shannon Harris

The Woman They Wanted recounts the remarkable story of Shannon Harris' courtship with Joshua Harris (author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye), her grappling with conservative Christianity's patriarchy and narrow definition of womanhood, and her journey to break free and reclaim a more authentic version of herself.

Shattering the Illusion of the Good Christian Wife

The Woman They Wanted

Erin Darlyn

Link to Original Review.


  “The first revelation I had the year I sat in bed was that I had made a deal without realizing it when I entered the church and when I married my husband - a deal with patriarchy, if you will. And while I had upheld my end of it, the men I’d made the deal with had not upheld theirs.

They wanted me to submit and follow, and I did. I’d embraced their ideas, and I’d done my part of the work. I stayed home, supported my husband, and raised the children. I’d gotten up every morning and tried my best to fulfill patriarchy’s dreams - the dream of male leadership. In return, the men of the church had promised to protect and love me. But they did not do that.

They did not protect or cherish me. They did not acknowledge the whole me. How can someone protect or cherish something they don’t even see? Or don’t wish to see? I had no voice or place in their world. The real me was punished and tamed like Eve…”


The Woman They Wanted: Shattering the Illusion of the Good Christian Wife is a beautiful, heartbreaking, and vulnerable memoir. Shannon Harris was married to author and pastor, Joshua Harris, who wrote several popular books, including I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl. Many of us who were raised in church were exposed to Josh’s books during our teen years. His philosophies were widely touted by youth leaders during the height of purity culture and I remember his books being available in church bookstores. He has since pulled them from publication and has apologized for the harm they have caused. Now Shannon is opening up and bravely telling her own story. I’ve been anticipating the release of her new memoir and finished reading it in just a few hours. It’s a quick and easy read and her writing style is engaging. 

Shannon shares her experiences with honesty and wisdom, and in a way that I imagine will leave a lot of women feeling like she is telling their stories too. I related to so many of the things she wrote about, and my heart hurt with her as she described the gradual whittling away of who she was by people in positions of power. So many women and people in marginalized groups are all-too-familiar with the diminishment of personhood that often comes with trying to fit into (or being stuffed into) the elusive church-shaped mold that promises us belonging and acceptance…and all of the anxiety, illness, and necessary healing that eventually result from grating off or hiding pieces of ourselves to try to make our bodies fit where they aren’t meant to. 

It took courage and a lot of inner work to tell her story so faithfully, and I commend her for it. 

For those who can relate to parts of Shannon’s story, this memoir will leave you feeling seen, empowered, knowing that you are not alone, and brimming with compassion for someone whose pain you can empathize with as you see pieces of your own story in hers. For those who cannot relate, Shannon’s story serves as a poignant reminder that there are many people within the Body of Christ whose experiences may have been vastly different than your own. It is my hope that reading this memoir will stir up compassion and a desire to cultivate faith communities where Body-induced wounds no longer need healing because they are no longer being inflicted.

The Woman They Wanted Shattering the Illusion of the Good Christian Wife