Name: The Guns of Avalon
ISBN: 9780783885049

Roger Zelazny

Corwin, a prince who has escaped from prison, attempts to regain his right to the throne of the perfect kingdom, known as Amber

The Guns of Avalon

Nast

This fantasty journey is rich and diverse. The game it brings is full of inspiring ideas. Though the execution of the work is somewhat poor and the depiction of women can get enoying.

Norma gruden

Women... Pale furies out of some hell, lovely and cold. Armed and armored. Long, light hair. Eyes like ice. Mounted on white, fire-breathing steeds that fed on human flesh.

Sarah Escorsa

⚔ Zelazny Freaks Regulars buddy read with my fellow Freaks Regulars Evgeny, Choko, Eilonwy, Elena and Lee ⚔

Actual rating: 1.5 stars.


  Disclaimer:
 my copy of this book has obviously been tampered with. Look at the average rating for this delightfully entertaining piece (4.15 stars) and look at my rating (1.5 stars, just to rehash a little bit). See what I mean? It seems crystal-clear to me that the Evil Russians™ have most viciously hacked into my bookshelves once again. It's the only possible way to explain this slight difference in assessment. Well it's either that or everyone but me read the book wrong. Which do you think is the most likely explanation? Evil Russian Shenanigans (ERS™), huh? Funny, I thought you'd say that.

I don't intend to write a pit-stop requiring non-review for this one (view spoiler)[
  
 (hide spoiler)], so let the crap be cut!

① This book is boring as fish.
That straightforward enough for you? No need to expand/analyze/whatever? Good, I'll do it anyway. Let's see, how could I put it nicely? Oops, sorry, don't think I can. So here goes and stuff: this story is naught but the aimless, pointless and slightly futile tale of a guy running around in a moderately haphazard manner. It was all quite fascinating to read about. Especially the part where the guy (Corwin is his name, by the way) who's doing all the inconsequential dashing about starts dashing about inconsequentially. Yeah, that was definitely my favourite chapter in the book. But I did like the parts where Zelazny failed to exploit and completely wasted his Potentially Awesome World's Potential (PAWP™), too. Really cool that was! I mean, this could have easily been one of the most original worlds in Fantasy, and I'm so glad Zelazny didn't lose his precious time telling us more about it. That would have been a real shame indeed. And it was much more interesting to read about a whole lot of nothing instead, if you ask me. That really was brilliantly done, Mr Zelazny.



② Lovely Corwin is lovely:
Okay, I might have exaggerated a little bit (which is very uncharacteristic of me, I know) in the previous paragraph. To be fair, the book wasn't all insignificant and trivial and meaningless stuff. No it wasn't. Because Corwin has a Purpose, you see. He has an Ambition. Yes, he does indeed. He wants to be the king. Isn't that amazing? Why, you ask? Why what? Why is it amazing, or why does Corwin want to be the king? Oh, you're curious about Corwin. You know how it is, some guys want to overthrow the evil dude currently sitting on the throne because they have a calling and stuff. They want to rescue the poor plebe from years of oppression at the hands of the bad, bad, king, and protect the young and the innocent and the widows and the orphans and all that crap. Corwin? Oh, he is way above such petty concerns. The plebe can go fish itself and spontaneously combust for all he cares. Then why does the bloody shrimp does he want to be the king, you ask? Because he does, that's why. Because he can, that's why. And also, I believe, because:

 

As good a reason as any, if you ask me.
I love it when MCs have such purposeful missions in life. It really adds tons of depth to their characters, don't you think? Talking about depth, Corwin has truckloads of it. I mean, he is deeply unlikable. And deeply selfish. And deeply superficial. Oh, and he is deeply condescending, too. And deeply disrespectful of women. Which is the character trait I admire most in him, obviously. But more on that later. Because I like to keep the best for last and all that crap.

③ The Flat as a Herd of Ironing Boards Virus (FaaHoIBV™) is here to stay.
Flat flat flat and unemotional as fish book one was, flat flat flat and unemotional as fish book two remains. I didn't give a shrimp about anything. I didn't give a shrimp about anyone. Everything and everyone could have just died a horribly excruciating deadly death, for all I cared. Apart maybe from the tiger-sized Siamese cats. Cool kitties those (if a little homicidal). I think they'd make great play mates for my murderous children. They'd compare the efficiency of claws vs pincers in times of slaughter and stuff like that. Pretty sure they'd all have a blast together. But I slightly digress. So, were where we? Oh yes, I didn't give a stinking fish about this book, the plot, or the characters. The end.

④ The Misogynistic Bullshit Festival (MBF™).
Such fond memories of Promise of Blood this book brought. How delightful indeed. I mean, how can you love not a story where women are portrayed so wonderfully? And respected always? ⚠️ Spoiler alert: a woman can be a super hot and yummy and sexy piece of meat, even when she is slightly being burned to death. Yes, she can ⚠️ Beautiful. This is simply beautiful. You know what really sucks, though? There are very few female characters in this book, which means that very few of them stupid bitches and sluts are on display. Sigh. It really is a shame, given what faithful depiction Zelazny gives of them here. Heavenly. It is simply heavenly. Almost nearly as heavenly as Corwin's most deferential attitude towards women, actually. Ah, Lovely Corwin! The guy really is the embodiment of consideration and graciousness. It's not like he is a 300-year-old scumbag in a position of power who bonked his 17-year-old relation! Oh no, absolutely not. Besides, even if he was, I'm pretty sure he would have given into his scumbag baser instincts only because the chick 
  "asked for it."
 Such an irreproachable conduct on his part would have instantly absolved him of all Slightly Despicable Scumbag Like Behavior-Induced Sins (SDSLBIS™), of course. Also, if events such as the one described above were to hypothetically happen (they wouldn't, because Lovely Corwin is a total gentleman and stuff), how could he be blamed for it? I mean, this would all be quite beyond his control. Because he is such a stud that women just can't help falling at his feet. Yes, he is that hot. And yes, they are that sluttish. 



➽ And the moral of this Some Covers are Insults to their Books but Some Books are Insults to their Covers Crappy Non Review (SCaIttBbSBaIttCCNR™) is: Zelazny dear, let's pretend this series never happened, shall we? You just keep feeding me stuff like Doorways in the Sand, and I promise never to unleash the crustaceans on you and stuff. Maybe.

✎ Book 1: Nine Princes of Amber ★★★



[Pre-review nonsense]

⚠️ Spoiler warning: I slightly didn't like this book. Slightly not at all.



No cunning ruse on my part this time I'm afraid, old shrimp. This was a complete, total, utter debacle indeed. And I decline all responsibility in it, obviously. I mean, is it my fault if the book magically ticked my main allergy boxes? Because, really, absolute dullness + all-powerful flatness + the author's Wonderfully Moderate Misogynistic Ways (WMMW™) =



➽ Full Oh Bloody Stinking Fish, Zelazny, What Have You Bloody Shrimping Done Now I'm On The Zelaznian Hit List And Stuff Crappy Non Review (OBSFZWHYBSDNIOTZHLASCNR™) to come.

shellybn

Emotional attachment is why I like this book. This fantasy series was one of the first I read. It is interesting to view the characters from a different place in life. If I were reading for the first time, I probably would have rated the book lower, but I can say this is one of the books that shaped my life-long reading tastes.